After-party cleaning: the 30-minute reset and the 8-step deep clean

We pick up the phone for these the Saturday after every Christmas and every May bank holiday. The clients who fared best are not the ones who did nothing, and not the ones who tried to scrub everything at 1am. They did the right 7 jobs before bed and left the rest for daylight. The two scripts below are what we send to clients when they ask.

Tonight: the 30-minute reset

Do these in order. They are the jobs that get expensive if you sleep on them.

1. 1Pour cold soda water on every red wine spill, blot with a white cloth from the edge inward. Do not rub.
2. 2Lift candle wax with a credit card edge while it is still warm. Cold wax pulls fibres with it.
3. 3Take lipstick and food off linen with a cold water rinse before any soap. Soap fixes the stain.
4. 4Move all leftover food to the fridge. Cooked food left out 8 hours is a guaranteed insect problem by morning.
5. 5Empty bins to the outside wheelie bin. Indoor bin smell at 9am is worse than the clean-up itself.
6. 6Run the dishwasher on a full cycle with whatever fits.
7. 7Open a window for 10 minutes in each downstairs room before you close up. The smell of stale wine and food sets overnight.

Tomorrow: the 8-step deep clean

Start with the kettle. Then work in this order. The whole job is 4 to 5 hours with two people, 6 to 7 solo.

1. 1Strip the spaces: gather every glass, bottle, plate and napkin into the kitchen.
2. 2Sort recycling into glass, card, plastic. Take it to the outside bins before you start cleaning, not after.
3. 3Wash glassware by hand. Wine glasses cloud in the dishwasher when run with food residue.
4. 4Wipe down every flat surface with a damp microfibre and a kitchen spray. Hand the cloth to a child if there is one available.
5. 5Vacuum the hard floors and rugs, working from the back of the house toward the front door.
6. 6Damp-mop the kitchen and bathroom floors. Add half a capful of disinfectant only in the bathroom.
7. 7Hit the two stain spots from last night: re-treat the wine, lift any wax that has cooled. Cold wax flakes off with a butter knife.
8. 8Light a candle, open every window for 15 minutes, take out the recycling one more time and call it done.

What to watch for in the week after

• Drains: pour boiling water down the kitchen sink at 24 and 48 hours. Wine and oil congeal in the U-bend.
• Carpets: re-vacuum 48 hours later. Tannin from wine settles deeper as it dries.
• Smell: an open box of bicarbonate of soda in the kitchen for 3 days neutralises the last of the food smell.